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"You
underestimate the power of the dark side . . ."
--Darth
Vader
THE
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK AGAIN
(The camera
shows our solar system in a wide angle shot. The camera begins to zoom in
until Earth is fixed in the center of the screen. It continues to zoom in
until we see a futuristic whitewashed building, and finally the lens bursts
through the ceiling and into a high school classroom.)
Darth Nebulous: Welcome Sith
apprentices to your first day of class at Grand Moff Tarkin High School.
I am Darth Nebulous, your language teacher. Don't bother googling my name
unless you are a fan of baking contests. Unfortunately, I missed out on
most of the action during the Second Sith War and the re-establishment of the
Empire. My service in the name of Emperor Palimpest was on the fringes of
the revolt, hence, my name. However, I have learned the ways of the 'dark
side' to become a first rate English instructor and a two-time champion of the
Imperial bakeoff. In front of each of you, there is a copy of the Imperial
Handbook (9781452145280) 19.95. Do not lose it. Do not deface
it. If either of these events occur, your parents will have to pay to
replace this textbook . . .
(A young acolyte
raises his hand to ask a question.)
Darth Nebulous: I would prefer
you save your questions until I am done.
Young Acolyte: But Lord
Nebulous, what if me and my twin sister are orphans?
(Nebulous
clenches his hand into a fist. The acolyte starts to squirm in his seat
gasping for breath. Nebuous opens his hand and the acolyte pitches
forward on his desk, wheezing uncontrollably.)
Darth Nebulous: As I said, I
would prefer that you save your questions until the end of my lecture. As
for our first reading assignment, you will need to purchase a copy of Lt.
Dan Marcou's new book, Law Dogs: Great Cops in American History (9781933272528)
16.95. The Empire thrives on both discipline and a respect for
authority. Much like the Wild West, the days of the Republic were a time
of turmoil and destruction, but eventually, lawmen like Wild Bill Hickock were
able to bring order to this chaos. Dan's book illustrates the importance
of law enforcement in a humanoid society. After that we will read a short
story collection, Let Me Tell You (9780812997668) by Shirley
Jackson. Her story The Lottery perfectly encapsulates the Imperial
doctrine. (The bell rings and his voice rises as students leave their
seats.) Tomorrow, we will examine the syllabus for this class!
Also, Lightsaber Making 101 has been moved to room 461! Room 461!
Odds
& Sods
I am quite fond
of potato chips. My favourite brand: Better Made. This is the
85th anniversary of Better Made, which was founded in east Detroit on a local
stovetop. So what 'better' way to celebrate this auspicious occasion than
purchasing a copy of Better Made in Michigan (9781626199859) 21.99 by
Karen Dybis? Also, my favourite flavour is BBQ . . .
If you thought
three new books on Jim Harbaugh and the Michigan Wolverines weren't enough for
this upcoming football season -- fret no more. Rich Wolfe has cranked out
another one, Take This Job and Love It!: Jim Harbaugh (9780996324748)
21.99 and it releases on November 15. Let the games begin!
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