THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK AGAIN

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"You underestimate the power of the dark side . . ."

                                                                                     --Darth Vader

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK AGAIN

(The camera shows our solar system in a wide angle shot.  The camera begins to zoom in until Earth is fixed in the center of the screen.  It continues to zoom in until we see a futuristic whitewashed building, and finally the lens bursts through the ceiling and into a high school classroom.)

Darth Nebulous:  Welcome Sith apprentices to your first day of class at Grand Moff Tarkin High School.  I am Darth Nebulous, your language teacher.  Don't bother googling my name unless you are a fan of baking contests.  Unfortunately, I missed out on most of the action during the Second Sith War and the re-establishment of the Empire.  My service in the name of Emperor Palimpest was on the fringes of the revolt, hence, my name.  However, I have learned the ways of the 'dark side' to become a first rate English instructor and a two-time champion of the Imperial bakeoff.  In front of each of you, there is a copy of the Imperial Handbook (9781452145280) 19.95.  Do not lose it.  Do not deface it.  If either of these events occur, your parents will have to pay to replace this textbook . . .

(A young acolyte raises his hand to ask a question.)

Darth Nebulous:  I would prefer you save your questions until I am done.

Young Acolyte:  But Lord Nebulous, what if me and my twin sister are orphans?

(Nebulous clenches his hand into a fist.  The acolyte starts to squirm in his seat gasping for breath.  Nebuous opens his hand and the acolyte pitches forward on his desk, wheezing uncontrollably.)

Darth Nebulous:  As I said, I would prefer that you save your questions until the end of my lecture.  As for our first reading assignment, you will need to purchase a copy of  Lt. Dan Marcou's new book, Law Dogs: Great Cops in American History (9781933272528) 16.95.  The Empire thrives on both discipline and a respect for authority.  Much like the Wild West, the days of the Republic were a time of turmoil and destruction, but eventually, lawmen like Wild Bill Hickock were able to bring order to this chaos.  Dan's book illustrates the importance of law enforcement in a humanoid society.  After that we will read a short story collection, Let Me Tell You (9780812997668) by Shirley Jackson.  Her story The Lottery perfectly encapsulates the Imperial doctrine.  (The bell rings and his voice rises as students leave their seats.)  Tomorrow, we will examine the syllabus for this class!  Also, Lightsaber Making 101 has been moved to room 461!  Room 461!

Odds & Sods

I am quite fond of potato chips.  My favourite brand:  Better Made.  This is the 85th anniversary of Better Made, which was founded in east Detroit on a local stovetop.  So what 'better' way to celebrate this auspicious occasion than purchasing a copy of Better Made in Michigan (9781626199859) 21.99 by Karen Dybis?  Also, my favourite flavour is BBQ . . .

If you thought three new books on Jim Harbaugh and the Michigan Wolverines weren't enough for this upcoming football season -- fret no more.  Rich Wolfe has cranked out another one, Take This Job and Love It!:  Jim Harbaugh (9780996324748)  21.99 and it releases on November 15.  Let the games begin!

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"When I was your age, I had to walk 8 feet through thick shag rug to change the TV channel . . ."

                                                    --Anonymous

1)  POP GOES THE WEASEL . . .  We live in amazing times.  Last week, James Patterson released Alert (9780316407038) 28.00 his 131st book.  In a contest reminiscent of Barry Bonds chasing Hank Aaron's home run total, if Mr. Patterson can stay healthy (and this means no writer's block, carpel tunnel, tendinitis, etc.), I calculate that he will overtake Isaac Asimov in December of 2022.  By the way, Mr. Asimov is considered by many to be the most prolific author with 469 titles to his credit, and I will admit that in my misspent youth I read a good portion of them.  So how exactly does Patterson do it?  I'm glad you asked!  I would suggest you start here: https://www.masterclass.com/classes/james-patterson-teaches-writing .  Yes, you read right, the James Patterson Masterclass Course.  For the low, low price of $90, you, too, can write exciting titles like the upcoming Murder House (9780316410984) 28.00.  You can't make this stuff up . . .

 

 2)  ALONG CAME A SPIDER . . .  Now, on the flipside, if Mardi Jo Link was offering a Masterclass on true crime writing, I'd pay $90.  Heck, I might even pay more.  Ms. Link was in the Lansing area at Schuler Books in Okemos last week, and we have some signed copies of some of her books.  She signed copies of her latest one, The Drummond Girls (9781455554744) 26.00 and a few of Wicked Takes the Witness Stand (9780472051694) 26.95.  As per usual for signed copies, first come, first served . . .

 

3)  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED . . .  Unless you've been stranded on Mars for the past year, I'm sure you are aware that adult coloring books have been the next big thing in the book business.  These are a few of the more popular titles:

Just Add Color Mandelas (9781438006130) 8.99

Colour Me Good Benedict Cumberbatch (9780992777753) 13.00

Day of the Dead (9781574219616) 9.99

Mandela Magic (9781438006383) 12.99

Color Yourself Calm (9781438007137) 12.99

 

  

  Of course, we're taking backorders on the two perennial favourites by Johanna Basford, Secret Garden (9781780671062) 15.95 and Enchanted Forest (9781780674889) 15.95.  Also, Johanna's new coloring book, Lost Ocean (9780143108993) 16.95, releases on October 27. Also, we are expecting the Studio Series Colored Pencil Set (Set of 30) (9781441314512) 14.99 in here in about a week to ten days.  These are premium pencils that are a necessity for any coloring book. I don't think this fad is going away any time soon.

 

 

Odds & Sods

Speaking of Mars, we have the tie-ins in stock for Matt Damon's upcoming movie, The Martian (9781101903582) 15.00 trade paper and (9781101905005) 9.99 mass market by Andy Weir.  The movie releases worldwide on October 2 . . .

Also, if Haruki Murakami was offering a Masterclass, I would be the first one in line.  And in a sense, the release of his first two books in English for the first time, Wind / Pinball (9780385352123) 25.95 helps us understand how Murakami became the author he is today.  In the same vein, Cormac McCarthy's new book, The Passenger is slated for 2016 . . .

Sir Charles Edmund Wilson III

*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves

not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires . . ."

                                         --John Steinbeck

Dearest Mick--

  I have decided to throw my hat in the ring as a presidential candidate for the Grand Old Party.  Chip, my loyal manservant, and I had just returned from meeting with my lawyer and our exploratory committee in New York, when we found your package delivered courtesy of the parcel post.  Mick, I can already see you making an obscene hand gesture and rolling your eyes, but hang on a moment and listen to my argument.  People like Donald Trump because he is rich and he is not afraid to offend people.  I buy and sell Donald Trumps daily and I can offend people so well that I make Don Rickles look like a choir boy.  Sounds like presidential timber to me.

  The other likely candidate for the upcoming election is Hillary.  Her strength seems to be that she is unlikeable.  (And I have that in spades.)  In fact, Ed Klein is back to do a hatchet job on Ms. Clinton with his new title Unlikeable (9781621573784) 29.99.  As for your hippie Bernie Sanders, Americans do not want the government to actually help them.  They want their America to be the beach bully in the Charles Atlas commercials -- an America that will kick sand in the face of every country and dare them to do something about it.

  As for your books, I was excited to see the new Jack Reacher novel, Make Me (9780804178778) 28.99 by Lee Child in your box.  Jack Reacher reminds me of my good friend James T. West, who was immortalized in the TV show Wild Wild West.  If you are looking for a donut shop, call a cop -- if you want your crime solved, call Jack Reacher.

  I see you have also sent a copy of Brian Selznick's new work The Marvels (9780545448680) 23.99, which is perfect for children from 9 to 100 years old.  You may not know this, but I grew up with his grandfather's cousin David O. Selznick, who asked me many years ago if he should take a chance on a movie based on a book by a first-time author named Margaret Mitchell.  The rest, as they say, is history.

  Finally, Chip was excited to get his hands on the Guinness World Records 2016 (9781910561027) 28.95.  You may be unaware that I have twelve different entries in the current Guinness Book.  [Ed. note:  I am well aware.]  But I will not bore you with that right now.  I have a presidential campaign to launch.  And I am still trying to unearth my birth certificate.  As always, thank you so much for the books, hockey puck.

                                                             Warmest Regards,

                                                            Sir Charles Edmund Wilson III

 

Odds & Sods

I was excited to get my hands on the new China Mieville short story collection, Three Moments of an Explosion (9781101884720) 27.00.  There is nobody better than Mr. Mieville in the sci-fi / fantasy genre right now.  It is next on my docket after I finish Jeff Vandermeer's Area X (9780374261177) 35.00, which is also known as the Southern Reach trilogy . . .

 

I just finished Ron Geesin's book about his collaboration with Pink Floyd on the album 'Atom Heart Mother' called The Flaming Cow (9780752486154) 29.95.  The foreward was by Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.  Maybe Steve Hamilton does need to write a book on Nick . . .

E! PRESENTS: BOOK BASH

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"There are people who barely feel poetry, and they are generally dedicated to teaching it . . ."

                                 --Jorge Luis Borges

E! PRESENTS:  BOOK BASH with The Good Doctor

(Ryan Seacrest and Doctor Delay are seated at a high desk on a super glitzy set with giant TV monitors and banks and banks of lights overhead.)

Ryan Seacrest:  I would like to welcome The Good Doctor to the 'E' family.  He will have his fingers on the pulse of the book business and keep you apprised on all the late breaking news in the exciting field of books.  Whacha got, Doc?

Doctor Delay:  (mumbles)  It's Doctor Delay.  (louder)  In divorce news:  Gwen Stefani and that guy who sang that song about Strawberry Fields . . .  no, not that one . . .  he's dead . . .  and no, not Oasis either . . . have divorced after 13 years of marriage.  Men, you can now go back to your 1995 fantasies about Gwen.  And to put it all in perspective,  The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield was the #1 bestselling book in 1995.  Also, Reba McEntire, C&W star and author of Reba, has divorced her husband.  They were married so long ago that Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol, which was released in 1843, was still atop the bestseller lists.  (Canned laughter)

Ryan Seacrest:  On a more serious note, several years ago, D. Randall Blythe, the lead singer of Lamb of God had been arrested upon his arrival in Prague.  He had pushed a concert goer off their stage, who later died, and Blythe was arrested for his murder.  His new book, Dark Days (9780306823145) 26.99 details his incarceration in a gulag-style prison and his subsequent trial.  It's getting some buzz.

Doctor Delay:  Speaking of gulag-style prisons, if Mark Levin (pronunced Le-veen) were in charge, all liberals would be rounded up and imprisoned immediately.  Mark is back to plunder the pocketbooks of his disciples with his new title, Plunder & Deceit (9781451606300) 27.00.  The deceit being that this is no different than the last three book he's 'written.'  Also, Arthur C. Brooks, the Imperial Pasha of the American Enterprise Institute, has released the ironically entitled The Conservative Heart (9780062319753) 27.99.  I guess Arthur is giving it another go at Compassionate Conservatism.  Good luck, you're going to need it . . . RINO.  Lastly, my old friend Stoner Bill texted me that Partners has received a new shipment of Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance (9781594206276) 28.95 and Dr. Seuss' What Pet Should I Get? (9780553524260) 17.99.

 

 

Ryan Seacrest:  Stoner Bill?  Isn't that one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers?

Doctor Delay:  No, he was my best friend and my former co-host.  That's it!  (He unclips his tie.)  You can do this $%#$& show by yourself.  I'm going home.

Odds & Sods

Our good friend and Elvis Costello lookalike J. Ryan Stradal popped in today to sign copies of his first book, Kitchens of the Great Midwest (9780525429142) 25.00.  He will be signing at Literati Bookstore tonight.  First come, first served on signed copies . . .

St. Martins Press has cancelled publication of Steve Hamilton's upcoming title, The Second Life of Nick Mason.  Due to their lackluster marketing campaign, Steve has extricated himself from his contract with St. Martins.  The Edgar Award winning author is now fielding offers from other publishers.  I'm just disappointed because I thought it was a bio on Pink Floyd  drummer Nick Mason. . .