Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Ye Olde Partners Page

*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*
"Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators . . ."
--Stephen Fry
TV voiceover guy:  We will return to B. Traven Jr. Presents X-treme Ancient Astronaut Conspiracy Mysteries after these commercial messages . . .

[Scene one:  The camera pans a teenager's room replete with piles of dirty clothes, an unstrung guitar, and an unmade bed.  A poorly coiffed middle-aged man is holding up a copy of James Patterson's Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill (9780316231756) 14.00 while confronting his son.]

Father: Who taught you to read this James Patterson stuff?  [Holding up the book]  Where did you get this?  Answer me!

Son: You, alright!  I learned about Alex Cross from watching you!

Narrator: Parents who read James Patterson have children who read Patterson.  This message is sponsored by a Partnership for a James Patterson-free America.

[Pith helmet and all, B. Traven Jr is seated in a director's chair across from astronaut Chris Hadfield.  He is smoking a pipe.  Tiny wisps of smoke float upwards.] 

B. Traven Jr: B. Traven here.  Welcome back to my show and I'd like to introduce you to my good friend and former commander of the International Space Station Chris Hadfield.  'Can you hear me Major Tom?'  Ha, ha!  But seriously folks,  Chris has a new book out called An Astonaut's Guide to Life on Earth (9780316253017) 28.00.  Can you tell us what it's all about?

Chris: First of all, thanks for having me on B.  [B. Traven nods.]  It's really not about space.  I haven't seen any aliens or UFOs or anything like that.  [B. Traven grimaces.]  It's about my philosophy of life -- a philosophy that I wanted to share with everyone.  As an astronaut, things will go wrong.  And I learned this when I started at NASA:  Prepare for the worst and enjoy every minute of it.  B, you look like a reader, what's on your docket right now?

B. Traven Jr: Well, I'm reading Mitch Albom's The First Phone Call from Heaven (9780062294371) 24.99.  [Chris scratches his head.]  Got ya!  Ha, ha!  On my nightstand, I've been thumbing through Marcus Hearn's Doctor Who: The Vault (9780062280633) 45.00.  I've also been reading Helperin and Heilman's Double Down (9781594204401) 29.95 on the 2012 Presidential election.  For time travel fun, I've been enjoying The Cusanus Game (9780765319081) 25.99 by Wolfgang Jeschke . . .  Hey, who's interviewing who here?  Ha, ha!

Odds & Sods

After Darren McCarty pummeled cowardly Colorado Avalanche forward Claude Lemieux in retaliation for a vicious hit on his friend Kris Draper, I knew St. McCarty would never pay for another beer in Detroit for the rest of his life.  Unfortunately, Wings fans didn't realize he was battling an alcohol addiction.  These topics and others are addressed in his book, My Last Fight: The True Story of a Hockey Rock Star (9781600788857) 26.95.  Love ya, Mac!

James Dashner, Detroit Lions' coach impersonator and young adult author stopped in and signed copies of his new one, The Eye of Minds (9780385741392) 18.99.  Supplies, of course, are limited . . . 

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