Thursday, April 1, 2010

Ye Olde Partners Page

*News From the Glamorous World of Bookselling*

"Well, you give me Dick Cheney and a waterboard for an hour, and I'll have him confessing to the Sharon Tate murders . . ."
--Jesse Ventura, American Conspiracies
My day started out well. I noticed on the internet that the Lansing area would have a high of 72 degrees today. I then stumbled upon a video of Koko the gorilla picking out a kitten:
And I thought to myself, 'This is going to be a great day that is filled with puppies, unicorns, and rainbows.'

There were blue skies as far as the eye could see on my drive to work, so I decided to treat myself to a Hostess Lemon Pie. I rejoiced to the news that Stephenie Meyer is releasing a novella based on a secondary character from Eclipse (9780316027656) 12.99, which is entitled The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (9780316125581) 13.99. The release date is June 5, and a dollar from each book purchased will be donated to the American Red Cross International Response Fund. This is good news for the book business.

And then the storm clouds rolled in. Ted snatched my lemon pie from my desktop, and much to my chagrin, pointed out that it has 500 calories and 55% of the recommended daily amount of saturated fats. So I deflated like a balloon and decided to turn the Partners Page over to the new guy:


Thanks, Mick. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that your buddy Ted is part of a larger conspiracy to ruin your day. Ha, ha. Former Judge Andrew Napolitano is not afraid to shake the nest of the largest group of conspirators -- The U.S. Government. First of all, Mr. Napolitano's Lies The Government Told You (9781595552662) 24.99 has a forward by my idol, Ron Paul. However, I did not realize that merely purchasing this book may endanger your life, as he points out on page 295: ". . . I want to remind you that your reading habits may be monitored for 'suspicious' behavior. Considering the title of this book, your name might now be on a list authorized by the Patriot Act . . ." I guess it's kind of like that movie 'Conspiracy Theory', when Mel Gibson's character buys Catcher in the Rye (9780316769488) 6.99 and warning bells scream in a government bunker deep underground. Ha, ha. Speaking of the government, we are seeing a lot of movement on Diane Ravitch's Death and Life of the Great American School System (9780465014910) 26.95. Not only are they putting flouride in the water, they are brainwashing your kids in school, too. Ha, ha. And finally, we have been restocked on my nemesis' book, American Conspiracy (9781602398023) 24.95. Hey Jesse, we will soon be offering a free roll of tinfoil with every purchase of your book? Ha, ha.

Odds & Sods

There aren't many baseball players who are worth $187 million. However, Minnesota Twin Joe Mauer would probably be an exception. We have a new book called Joe Mauer: From Hometown Hero to MVP (9781600785030) 14.95 that every Twin's fan should own. As a Detroit Tigers' fan, Joe has my respect . . .

Rocko's Modern Life: Rocco DiSpirito's Now Eat This: 150 Comfort Foods Under 350 Calorie (9780345520906) 14.95 has been selling like gangbusters. We have received a new shipment and you might want to grab some before they are gone. Somehow I'm suspecting my Hostess Lemon Pie will not be featured in his book . . .

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