"Oprah doesn't do stairs."Kitty Kelley's tell-all biography Oprah went on-sale yesterday and I wasn't sure how Doctor Delay was going to take it. Initially, I was thinking worst-case scenario and I envisioned Double D as Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. I could see him with charcoal drawings covering his face, alone in his darkened basement, whispering over and over again, "Are you an Oprah?"
--Oprah Winfrey according to Kitty Kelley's
Oprah: A Biography (9780307394866) 30.00
I crept down the basement stairs, and I was surprised to see it well lit. In fact, Double D was sitting on the 'smelly' couch with a newspaper, and he had a grin from ear to ear. Oprah posters wrapped the walls like wallpaper. He motioned me over and said, "Dude, check this out. They have summations of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize winners and if they were any more pretentious sounding, I swear William Kristol would fall out of the newspaper and into my lap."
In his snotty Bill Kristol voice, he said, "Fiction: Tinkers (9781934137123) 14.95 by Paul Harding [is] a powerful celebration of life in which a New England father and son, through suffering and joy, transcend their imprisoning lives and offer new ways of perceiving the world and mortality."
"Hey Aldous," I chuckle, "If only there were some pill you could take that would 'offer new ways of perceiving the world."
Double D continues, "History: Lords of Finance (9780143116806) 18.00 by Liaquat Ahamed [is] a compelling acount of how four bankers played crucial roles in triggering the Great Depression and ultimately transforming the United States into the world's financial leader."
"USA! USA! USA! USA! USA . . ."
"Yeah Bill, I get the point," he adds, "But wait! There's more. Biography: The First Tycoon (9781400031740) 19.95 by T.J. Stiles [is] a penetrating (snickering) portrait of a complex, self-made titan who revolutionized transportation, amassed vast wealth and shaped the economic world . . ."
"Oh, so he was an early version of Paris Hilton, but minus the penetrating."
Double D shakes his head, "C'mon Bill, let's try to keep this PG-13. Poetry: Versed by Rae Armantrout [is] a penetrating (snickering) portrait. . . Hey, we already did this one. Well, it is poetry, so I guess nobody really cares."
I laughed and said in my whiney voice, "But April is National Poetry Month. Poetry is so important. It helps us understand the human condition. Blah, blah."
"And finally, General Nonfiction: The Dead Hand (9780385524377) 35.00 by David E. Hoffman [is] a well documented narrative that examines the terrifying doomsday competition between two superpowers and how weapons of mass detruction still imperil humankind."
"Dude, I thought Saddam Hussein had all the weapons of mass destruction, so now that he's dead we're all safe and we're all going to live happily ever after."
Odds & Sods
We have autographed books. J.D. went down to the Detroit Tigers home opener and had Mike Lupica sign all our copies of Batboy (9780399250002) 17.99.
Becky our legendary children's buyer was at a library event, so we have signed copies of Lemony Snicket's The End (9780064410168) 12.99, Lemony Snicket: Unauthorized Biography (9780060562250) 6.99, and Lemony Snicket: The Composer is Dead (9780061236273) 17.99.
Also signed by the artist E.B. Lewis, we have limited quantities of D is for Drinking Gourd (9781585362936) 17.95, My Best Friend (9780670059898) 15.99, and Coming on Home Soon (9780399237485) 16.99 . . .