Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ye Olde Partners Page

*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*
"A lot of people won't get no supper tonight
A lot of people won't get no justice tonight
The battle is getting hotter in this iration, Armagideon time . . ."
                                                                                     --Willi Williams, Armagideon Time


  "Hello, I'm B. Traven Jr. and when I'm in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot, the only book I take is Dr. Jeff Meldrum's Sasquatch Field Guide (9781937196950) 7.95.  It has a handy ruler along the edge of this foldout, so when I've stumbled upon a giant footprint and I've been encircled by a pack of hungry wolves, instead of messing around with a tape measure, I just whip out this field guide.  Take it from me, B. Traven Jr., it may just save your life."

  The director on the set snaps, "Cut!  Print!  We're outa here.  And great work, B."
  "Thanks," I wipe my brow.  Now, I can go home and sink my teeth into Lewis & Fisk's The Michigan Road Guide to Haunted Locations (9780979882234) 15.95.  I've been waiting a lifetime for this title to be released, and I've finally got my hands on a copy.  This is the Holy Grail for paranormal investigators . . ."

  A man in a black suit blocks my path and asks, "Are you B. Traven Jr.?"
  "Crap.  Yeah."
  He adjusts his black sunglasses and says in a staccato monotone, "Homeland Security.  There's been an incident.  You need to come with me."
  I'm flown to a medical facility in an undisclosed location.  My keeper escorts me past a battery of metal detectors and security checkpoints; I'm ushered into an office and introduced to a doctor of obvious Indian descent, "This is Dr. Jones."
  "Excuse me for being so blunt, but what in the heck am I doing here?"
  Dr. Jones gestures towards the door, "Mr. Traven, there has been an incident in Rosemont.  Possibly apocalyptic in nature.  No one can remember anything.  And every recording instrument, be it tape or digital, has been inexplicably wiped clean.  Let me show you a few of the victims."
  The first room has a young boy rocking back and forth on the edge of the cot.  He repeats over and over again, "Ezirp lebon sniw ornum elica.  Efil raed . . ."
  "Isn't it obvious?  He's saying backwards, 'Dear Life (9780307743725) 25.95.  Alice Munro wins Nobel Prize.'  You've seen The Shining (97803459806789) 15.95 by Stephen King, right?  'Redrum! Redrum!'  Ha, ha!"


 He leads me to an adjoining room where a young lady has her eyes closed.  She recites over and over," Seiranimul eht rof drawa rekoob swins nottac ronaele . . ."
  I say, "Oh that's easy.  She's saying, 'Eleanor Catton wins Booker Award for The Luminaries (9780316074315) 27.00.'  Ha, ha!"

  Dr. Jones leads me to the next room and says, "Well, how do you explain these two guys then?  They claim their names are Stoner Bill and Doctor Delay.  And get this -- they also claim they've been to Hell and back."   
Odds & Sods

I picked up a few cute kid's books at the Heartland Fall Forum.  Isabelle & Isabella's Little Book of Rules (9781442499805) 12.99 is a notebook written by two young girls that highlights practical do's and don'ts for children.  The other one is a great children's picture book called Locomotive  (9781416994152) 17.99 by Brian Flocka.  Incredible illustrations . . .


I want to apologize to my wife in advance.  I have just picked up a copy of All the Songs: The Story Behind Every Beatles Release (9781579129521) 50.00, so over the course of the next two to three months I will most likely subject her to several obscure Beatles' facts on a daily basis.  I am so sorry . . . 

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