"You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. You'll set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded . . ."THE APHABETICAL ADVENTURES OF BIBLIOMAN
--The Batman, The Dark Knight
(The Case of the Ancient Alien Astronauts)
I say in a low, raspy voice, "I am the Biblioman. *cough* *cough* Geez, how does Christian Bale do *cough* that? Man, that's really uncomfortable. *cough* Alright, no more of that."
I continue in my normal tone, "Sorry, I am from the Time Tomes on the planet K'leg'usgh. My planet was engulfed by our sun when it went supernova. In the nick of time, I escaped in a rocket ship and eventually landed in Holt, Michigan, on your planet Earth. I soon learned that under your yellow sun, I had acquired powers beyond that of mere mortals. Not only can I read faster than any human being, but my editing skills are second to none. Yes, my friends, I have become the unofficial Defender of Readers Everywhere! I am able to locate a dangling participle at a single glance, I can eliminate a typographical error with a single stroke, and all literary lawbreakers cower in fear before me. I have eradicated many evil doers, such as The Incinerator, The Silverfish, and e-Bookman, with The Elements of Style (9780205309023) 9.95 and The Chicago Manual of Style (9780226104201) 65.00 as my only weapons.
"Working at Partners Book Distributing, my alter-ego Robert Grey, who is not in any way related to the main character in the Fifty Shames of Earl Grey (9780306821998) 13.99, which is a hilarious parody of the Fifty Shades series. As Robert Grey, Sam wanted me to mention that Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg's Divorce Girl (9781888160666) 19.95, which we distribute, is favorably reviewed in the upcoming Publisher's Weekly. I know Divorce Girl sounds like it could be the name of my sidekick, but I have yet to acquire one.
"If I were part of a duo, we would be as big as 1992 U.S. Olympic Basketball team as portrayed in Dream Team (9780345520487) 28.00 by Jack McCallum. I almost invited James Rollins, who stopped in Partners to sign our copies of Bloodline (9780061784798) 27.99, to join me in my never-ending battle against evil, but he already has a very full plate, and crime fighting is not a part-time job.
"My current nemesis is Newsprintman, who you may know as media mogul Rupert Murdoch. He is using his splotchy print powers to blacken the reputations of his enemies. His nefarious scheme must be stopped. I left my Library of Solitude and I leapt across rooftops until I arrived outside the Fox News headquarters. I strode through the front doors, and suddenly a phalanx of his lackeys were upon me like booksellers at a booth full of free ARCs."
Uh, no! Could this be the end for Biblioman!?
Odds & Sods
Well, the good news is that sea piracy is down this year, but the bad news is that we lost a few authors this week. Stephen R. Covey, author of the megaseller 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (9780743269513) 15.95, passed away from injuries sustained in an April bicycle accident. Also, Donald Sobol, who wrote the Encyclopedia Brown series died from natural causes. Our condolences go out to their respective friends and families . . .
Well, football training camp is only two weeks away and Green Bay Packers fans are already convinced that they have won the Super Bowl. To commemorate, we have copies of William Povletich's Green Bay Packers (9780870204975) 26.95.