Thursday, April 5, 2012

Ye Olde Partners Page

*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*
"Nothing escapes the vigilance of the New South Wales police; their reputation is known the world over . . ."
--Joshua Slocum, First man to single-handedly circumnavigate the world

B. Traven Jr. here. If you hear this on my trusty Sony ICD-BX700 Digital Voice Recorder (Because Sony is one of my sponsors, I am contractually obligated to mention this), I am already dead. I had made a foolish bet with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, former NBA superstar and author of What Color is My World?: The Lost History of African-American Inventors (9780763645649) 17.99, that I could penetrate Rupert Murdoch's security system at his Fox News World Headquarters and retrieve the Holy Grail of the book industry, the original notebook with the handwritten text of E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey (9780345803481) 15.95. It was merely a gentlemen's bet, but much like Phineas Fogg in Around the World in 80 Days, I take all of my bets very seriously. I left for New York immediately, easily avoided his electronic detection devices, and gained access through the roof. I eventually arrived in front of Mr. Murdoch's safe, which was nearly two miles underground. It seemed as easy as pie. But then nobody had told me about the raptors!

Yes, raptors. I thought the whole Crichton Jurassic Park (9780345370778) 7.99 thing was purely fiction, but apparently, Michael Crichton was writing from experience. Only, instead of the raptors living on a remote island, Rupert Murdoch was using them in New York to guard his most valuable treasures. It was so obvious now that his scientists had the ability to clone living creatures. Take one look at his blonde female co-anchors on every Fox newscast over the past ten years; they were clearly cloned. Hey, hang on for a second . . .

Okay, I thought I heard something. I've locked myself in a janitorial closet to escape the roaming raptors. I realize now that I should have stuck to exploring and left the espionage stuff to guys like Alex Hawke in Ted Bell's Phantom (9780061859304) 27.99 or Mitch Rapp in Kill Shot (9781416595205) 27.99 by Vince Flynn. If I had played my cards right, I should have been lounging at my palatial estate in Mozambique, sipping a scotch on the rocks and reading Hank Haney's exposé on Tiger Woods, The Big Miss (9780307985989) 26.00.

I hear the lock tumblers on the door click, and I look up to see Rupert Murdoch standing above me. He has two raptors in tow on steel link leashes. He laughs maniacally and says, "So, B. Traven Jr., we meet again. And unfortunately for you . . . This will be for the last time. Feast my pretties!"

He moves out of the doorway and drops their leashes.


Odds & Sods

Brandon Mull popped in here last week and we talked about everything from Orson Scott Card to A Game of Thrones. He also signed copies of Fablehaven (9781416947202) 7.99, Beyonders: A World Without Heroes (9781416997931) 7.99, and Beyonders: Seeds of Rebellion (9781416997948) 19.99. As usual, it's first come, first served . . .

Stephanie Nielson's Heaven is Here (9781401341794) 23.99 could be a potential sleeper. Stephanie is a wife and mother of four children, who is a well-known inspirational blogger. She was almost killed with her husband in a plane crash. This is the story of her battle back from the brink of death. Powerful . . .

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