SNOWPOCALYPSE 2016

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"I love the smell of book ink in the morning . . ."

                                                       --Umberto Eco

SYFY CHANNEL PRESENTS:  SNOWPOCALYPSE 2016:

THE RECKONING

  B. Traven Jr. here.  You may recall me from the Ancient Aliens episode:  Ancient Aliens & Global Warming.  I've hunkered down in the bunker with the rest of the folks at the Partners Weather Center, and we are preparing for this year's version of  . . . SNOWMAGEDDON!  Round up the kids and bury the fine china, we are bracing for a snowfall that could be anywhere from 6 inches to 10 FEET OF SNOW!  (The 6 inches number is much more likely.)  It's harrowing times like these that make us reassess our priorities and wish we could harken back to a warmer, simpler day.

  In the past week, sadly, two legendary authors were laid to rest.  Harper Lee, the author of probably the most impactful book on race relations in America, To Kill a Mockingbird (9780446310789) 8.99 and Umberto Eco, author of  The Name of the Rose (9780544176560) 15.95 and specialist in semiotics, are both headed to that giant library in the sky.  Both writers will be sorely missed by their fans and the book industry alike.

 

  AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE (9781451635119) 27.00 is the new memoir by NBC Middle East correspondent, Richard Engel.  For over two decades he has been under fire, blown out of hotel beds, kidnapped, and forced at gunpoint to rearrange his sock drawer.  Ha, ha!  Sounds like a typical Friday night for me.  Ha, ha!  And, of course, who can forget the ferocious attack by a pack of red pandas that he barely survived?  His book is doing well, but the endangered firefoxes not so much.  IT'S A RED PANDAPOCALYPSE!

  Meanwhile, the publisher of Fiona Barton's The Widow (9781101990261) 26.00 is comparing her debut novel to Girl on the Train (9781594633669) 26.95 by Paula Hawkins and Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl (9780307588371) 15.00.  Unfortunately, the reviews I've been reading have said it's not like either of those titles; but this is what publishers do.  "That's not how this works.  That's not how any of this works."

  

  FEEL THE BERN!  I think most political observers were expecting Bernie Sanders to have conceded to Ms. Clinton by this point.  He hasn't.  In fact, depending on the polls you follow, it looks like Bernie might even be winning, so I decided to read up on this senator from Vermont.   However, I didn't want to be overwhelmed with detail; I found the perfect book.  It's a graphic novel called Bernie (9781609806989) 16.95 by Ted Rall.  I like this guy . . .

ADDENDUM

B. Traven Jr. again.  It really was the SNOWPOCALYPSE.  I haven't seen this much snow since my 2006 Himalayan expedition to find the YETI!  Ha, ha!

    

Odds & Sods

So why should Gwyneth Paltrow have all the fun?  Kate Hudson has written her own book on healthy living and it's called Pretty Happy  (9780062434234) 26.99.  This is a quick how-to, so you can immediately get to work on looking just as gorgeous as Kate Hudson.  Also, Cravings (9781101903919) by Chrissy Teigen has picked up, too . . .

 

The mother of one of the Columbine killers, Sue Kebold, has written a new title, A Mother's Reckoning (9781101902752) 28.00.  I've heard from other stores that this is not a ghost-written book, and she appears to be a talented writer.  As a parent, I cannot imagine what she has gone through over the years . . .

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"If you have any young friends who aspire to be writers, the second greatest favor

you can do them is to present them with copies of the Elements of Style. 

The first greatest favor, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy . . ."

                                                 --Dorothy Parker

THE DIVORCE BOOK

(Sung to the tune of the Love Boat theme song)

The Divorce Book soon will be making another print run,

The Divorce Book promises a new start for everyone,

Set a course for divestiture, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore,

It's the final act in your bookstore,

It's divorce!  Now I'm poor.  It's divorce!

Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod.  You may remember me as the fun loving Captain Merrill Stubing from the The Love Boat.  I'm here to tell you about the upcoming new 10th editions of The Michigan Divorce Book with Children (9781933272573) 34.95 and The Michigan Divorce Book without Children (9781933272580) 28.95 by Alan Bloomfield with Michael Maran are both at the bindery and will be available at Partners in late February or early March.  In the meantime, if you get requests for these titles, tell those crazy kids to give it one more try, and if not, we will have the new editions available soon.  And then hopefully, for everyone, there will be plenty of smooth sailing ahead . . .

 

I also would like to tell you about Hollywood Power Couple DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good's new title, The Wait (9781501105296) 24.00.  Back in the 70s, when I was captain of the Love Boat, promiscuous sex on a sea cruise was as common as owning a Pet Rock.  Those days are over.  In their new book, DeVon and Meagan explain how they decided to strengthen their relationship by abstaining from sex until after they were married.  They have been married for four years now and they couldn't be happier.  Who says premarital celibacy can't be fun?

Speaking of love (and divorce), Juan Martinez, the prosecuting attorney in the Jodi Arias' trial has written a new book that covers the behind the scenes action in both trials.  The title is Conviction: The Untold Story of Putting Jodi Arias Behind Bars (9780062444288) 26.99.  Ms. Arias, you may recall, allegedly stabbed her ex-boyfriend to death and the initial trial ended in a hung jury.  Mr. Martinez had also asked for the death penalty, but instead, she was sentenced to life in prison.  She was convicted of murder in the retrial.  It almost sounds like the plot to any number of CSI-like crime shows.  Love can be tough.  Captain Stubing signing off.

Odds & Sods

For those of you who missed out on the first batch, we have more signed copies of Victoria Aveyard's The Glass Sword (9780062310668) 19.99 in stock.  And yes, they have the 'signed' stickaroos on them, too.

Apparently, the trailer for the new movie based on Jojo Moyes' Me Before You (9780143124542) 16.00 has been airing at the cinema, and there has been quite the uptick in sales.  We have a few copies left from the batch yesterday, but we should see another shipment next week.  Get back, Jojo!

And a Happy Belated President's Day!  And a Happy Birthday to George & Abe!

Sir Charles Edmund Wilson III

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"I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose . . ."

                                            --George Carlin

Dearest Mick--

  Chip, my loyal manservant, and I had just returned to Napoli from our philanthropic visit to the campus of my alma mater, Dartmouth College, when we stumbled upon your package at the front gate of my palatial estate.  (Actually, Chip stumbled over it.  I, of course, was on my hover round.)  The unofficial mascot of Dartmouth, Keggy the Keg, had been stolen once again, so I had contributed the money to make a new costume.  Keggy the Keg Mark III will be a cyborg with artificial intelligence comparable to most college students, and he will cost almost as much as a student's tuition to construct.

  As for your book package, the first book Chip plucked from your box was Elena Ferrante's My Brilliant Friend (9781609450786) 17.00.  I could almost see the gears in your brain whirling as you connected my current place of residence with this title.  If I had a nickel for every time someone recommended her book to me, I would be a millionaire.  Oh wait, I already am!

  I see you also sent a copy of Breakdown (9780345541406) 28.95 by Jonathan Kellerman.  As you well know, Chip is more the action / suspense maven than I.  However, you may not be aware that I played the maracas on the Alan Parsons Project song 'Breakdown.'  Interesting story, I had stopped by Abbey  Road to visit the members of Pink Floyd while they were recording 'Wish You Were Here.'  In the adjacent studio, I ran into Alan's band mate Eric Woolfson who asked if I would sit in on the 'I Robot' sessions since he knew I was a world-renown maracas player.  The rest, as they say, is history.

  When Chip pulled Nicholas Sparks' The Choice (9781455588992) 15.99 from your box, we both tittered.  I know there is a new cinematic feature based on this book, but I assumed it was an attempt at humor on your part.  Well played.  Of course, we then argued whether it was Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds who had their big break in the movie based on Sparks' The Notebook (9781455582877) 8.00.  (I was right -- it was Gosling.)  I have met both of these young lads, mind you not at the same time, and they do have an uncanny resemblance to each other.  Chip called them doppelgangers.

 

  Lastly, I see you slipped in a copy of Quotations from Chairman Trump (9780795348211) 14.99.  It was nice to relive those days of mirth once again.  I'm sure I've already regaled you with all my Donald interactions over the years, so I will not repeat them here.  As always, thanks for the gift package; I imagine it will be better than the one I will receive at the Oscars this year.

                                                                                   

                                                                                                                        Warmest Regards,

                                                                                                            Sir Charles Edmund Wilson III   

Odds & Sods

I'm sure you've heard the news by now:  Harry Potter is back!   Well, sort of.  The eighth book in the series will be the script from the stage play, Harry Potter & The Cursed Child (9781338099133) 29.99.  It will release at 12:01 a.m. on July 31st.  It's 19 years later.  Harry is a father of three and he's working a dead-end job at the Ministry of Magic.  Father and son band together to stop evil from the unlikeliest of places.  Most likely we will have to sell it in case quantities to prevent early exposure, but a store in New York will sell a copy to the New York Times about three days before it's released.  There will be much hand wringing and gnashing of teeth at Scholastic, but ultimately, nothing will happen.  Yea!

B. TRAVEN JR.

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*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"If you play a Nickelback song backwards, you'll hear messages from the Devil.

Even worse, if you play it forwards, you'll hear Nickelback . . ."

                                                 --Dave Grohl

B. TRAVEN JR. -- CONSPIRACY THEORIST AT LARGE

 

  B. Traven Jr here.  Welcome to my new show, In Search of Ancient Aliens X-Files, and yes, I know the title is redundant, but we have to circumvent those pesky copyright laws.  We really wanted to capitalize, legally, on the return of Fox Mulder and Scully to network television and this is the best we could do.  We will air after the new Discovery Channel show Oregon Patriot although I suspect that show may be cancelled soon.  Ha, ha!

  This week I'll be joined by my good friend, Jerry Apps, who has a new book out, Limping Through Life (9780870205804) 22.95.  Growing up on a farm in Wisconsin, Jerry contracted polio as a child, and it presented many challenges throughout his life.  I also injured my leg in a freak Quidditch accident many years ago.  If you aren't familiar with Quidditch, you can read about it in Quidditch Through the Ages (9780545850582) 9.99 by Kennilworthy Whisp.  We will commiserate over our bum legs.  And then, since Jerry is an expert on farm silos, we will discuss the viability of aliens using the Pyramids at Giza for grain storage.  Ha, ha!  We'll be right back after these messages . . .

 

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  Green Machine: The Story of Michigan State's Return to Football Dominance (9781597256261) 34.95 by The LSJ & Detroit Free Press

(Sung to the tune of Dream Police by Cheap Trick)

"The Green Machine, Dantonio is out of his head

(He's out of his head)

The Green Machine, Conner Cook has street cred

(Give him some street cred)

The Green Machine, they're coming to beat you, oh no . . ."

This title is available at Partners Books.  It is non-returnable and a straight 40% discount.  Relive the shocking victory over Michigan, the 'Drive' against Iowa, and much, much more!

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  Later on, we'll have Jason Selk and Tom Bartow, who are the authors of Organize Tomorrow Today (9780738218694) 21.99, visit us.  First, we will discuss the topic of their book: Organization!  Then we will tackle the incongruities in time travel induced by this title.  For example, if I took their book into the future, would its new title actually be Organize Today Tomorrow?  Ha, ha!  See you soon!

Odds & Sods

"Peter Pauper Press picked a peck of colored pencils; A peck of colored pencils Peter Pauper Press picked; If Peter Pauper Press picked a peck of colored pencils, Where's the peck of colored pencils Peter Pauper Press picked?"  If you haven't figured it out by now, we have the Studio Series Colored Pencil Set (9781441314512) 14.99 back in stock and supply is limited . . .

Victoria Aveyard's second title in the 'Red Queen' series, which began with The Red Queen (9780062310637) 17.99, releases next Tuesday and it's called The Glass Sword (9780062310668) 19.99.  We have some signed stock.  As usual, it's first come, first served . . .