*A Collection of
Antiquarian Curios & Relics*
"In a Gadda
Da Vidi, baby . . ."
--Iron Butterfly
THE
LANSING WINTER OLYMPICS Sponsored by Preuss' Pets
Bob Costas: Hi, Bob Costas
here. I'm coming to you from beautiful downtown Lansing, Mi.
Normally, I would handle most of the announcing duties for these upcoming
events, but as you can see, I am covered in bedbug bites of almost biblical
proportions, so I'm going to sit here and scratch. Here's Al Michaels.
Al Michaels: Good
luck, Bob. I'm sure the folks at home are familiar with the format, but
here's a refresher course. Unlike the Sochi Winter Olympics, our
competitors are not fresh from a photo shoot for GQ or Vogue,
but, in fact, are the entire opposite -- they are published authors. The
first competition is called the 'Ice Storm.' Participants will be
randomly selected. Four competitors will be locked in a house
indefinitely without electricity and limited toiletries. There will be
hidden cameras. Whichever team does not go all Lord of the Flies
(9780399501487) 9.99 on their teammates will be declared the winner, and then
they will move onto the next competition, which is the 'Lansing almost never
plows their residential streets, but this one time they did, and now I am stuck
in my own driveway' event.
Bob Costas: We've let
the teams settle in, and we've moved ahead to Day 3. Unable to brush his
teeth, Joel Osteen, author of Break Out (9780892969746) 26.00 has been
driven to the proverbial edge. We can see him unsuccessfully trying to
fashion a toothbrush from broom bristles, carpet fibers, and a #2 pencil.
Al Michaels: Heh, just wait
until he finds out that the coauthors of The Second Machine Age
(9780393239355) 26.95, Erik Bryjnolfsson and Andrew McAfee, have
absconded with all four of the toothbrushes and have divvied them up amongst
themselves. Uh-oh, it looks like McAfee is handing a toothbrush to Robert
Gates, author of Duty (9780307959478) 35.00, and Joel has seen the
exchange. Oh no! What's Joel doing with that broom?! They
better send in the security squad before it's too late. Too bad.
Team One has been disqualified.
Bob Costas: While you were
sleeping, La La Anthony, author of The Love Playbook (9780451466440)
24.95 and wife of NBA superstar Carmelo Anthony, broke into the makeup drawer
and applied Adam Ant-esque warpaint to the faces of her sleeping
compatriots. Doctor Sleep (9781476727653) 30.00 himself, Stephen
King, actually looks a lot better with makeup. However, I don't think
Charles Krauthammer, author of Things That Matter (9780385349178) 28.00
is going to be amused.
Al Michaels: Well, in La La's
defense, I don't think Mr. Krauthammer has ever been amused by anything.
We'll be right back after these commercial messages.
Odds
& Sods
Do you like
Shakespeare? Do you like insulting people? Then have I got the
book for you! Sarah Royal & Jillian Hofer's Thou Spleeny
Swag-Bellied Miscreant (9780762453214) 12.95 is a flip-book for creating
your own Shakespearean insults. Buy it now, you plume-plucked lily-livered
popinjay!
Don't you just
hate when somebody asks you, "Is blah-blah-blah the sixth or the seventh
book in the series?" Well fret no more, I have been alerted to two
sites by my friend Deb that can answer that question in a couple of
clicks. For most general fiction, check out: www.fantasticfiction.co.uk and for
mysteries: www.stopyourekillingme.com
You're welcome.
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