*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*
"In a Gadda Da Vidi, baby . . ."
THE LANSING WINTER OLYMPICS Sponsored by Preuss' Pets
Bob Costas: Hi, Bob Costas here. I'm coming to you from beautiful downtown Lansing, Mi. Normally, I would handle most of the announcing duties for these upcoming events, but as you can see, I am covered in bedbug bites of almost biblical proportions, so I'm going to sit here and scratch. Here's Al Michaels.
Al Michaels: Good luck, Bob. I'm sure the folks at home are familiar with the format, but here's a refresher course. Unlike the Sochi Winter Olympics, our competitors are not fresh from a photo shoot for GQ or Vogue, but, in fact, are the entire opposite -- they are published authors. The first competition is called the 'Ice Storm.' Participants will be randomly selected. Four competitors will be locked in a house indefinitely without electricity and limited toiletries. There will be hidden cameras. Whichever team does not go all Lord of the Flies (9780399501487) 9.99 on their teammates will be declared the winner, and then they will move onto the next competition, which is the 'Lansing almost never plows their residential streets, but this one time they did, and now I am stuck in my own driveway' event.
Bob Costas: We've let the teams settle in, and we've moved ahead to Day 3. Unable to brush his teeth, Joel Osteen, author of Break Out (9780892969746) 26.00 has been driven to the proverbial edge. We can see him unsuccessfully trying to fashion a toothbrush from broom bristles, carpet fibers, and a #2 pencil.
Al Michaels: Heh, just wait until he finds out that the coauthors of The Second Machine Age (9780393239355) 26.95, Erik Bryjnolfsson and Andrew McAfee, have absconded with all four of the toothbrushes and have divvied them up amongst themselves. Uh-oh, it looks like McAfee is handing a toothbrush to Robert Gates, author of Duty (9780307959478) 35.00, and Joel has seen the exchange. Oh no! What's Joel doing with that broom?! They better send in the security squad before it's too late. Too bad. Team One has been disqualified.
Bob Costas: While you were sleeping, La La Anthony, author of The Love Playbook (9780451466440) 24.95 and wife of NBA superstar Carmelo Anthony, broke into the makeup drawer and applied Adam Ant-esque warpaint to the faces of her sleeping compatriots. Doctor Sleep (9781476727653) 30.00 himself, Stephen King, actually looks a lot better with makeup. However, I don't think Charles Krauthammer, author of Things That Matter (9780385349178) 28.00 is going to be amused.
Al Michaels: Well, in La La's defense, I don't think Mr. Krauthammer has ever been amused by anything. We'll be right back after these commercial messages.
Odds & Sods
Do you like Shakespeare? Do you like insulting people? Then have I got the book for you! Sarah Royal & Jillian Hofer's Thou Spleeny Swag-Bellied Miscreant (9780762453214) 12.95 is a flip-book for creating your own Shakespearean insults. Buy it now, you plume-plucked lily-livered popinjay!
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