Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ye Olde Partners Page

*A Collection of Antiquarian Curios & Relics*

"As long as you hate, there will be people to hate . . ."
--George Harrison: Living in the Material World
(9781419702204) 40.00

(The personal flagship of Darth Vader, the Super Star Destroyer Executor fills the entire screen. Designed by starship engineer Lira Wessex, the Executor has over 5,000 weapon emplacements, which is enough firepower to turn the surface of any planet to molten slag. There is a cutaway of the bridge and we see Darth Vader staring out at the planet below.)

(Cue Music): Dom-dom-dom, Doo-da-dom, Doo-da-dom . . .

Admiral Kendal Ozzel: Lord Vader, why are we orbiting this backwater planet?

Darth Vader (breathing loudly): We are searching for a member of the Rebel Alliance. A Candice Millard.

Admiral Kendal Ozzel: Your Lordship, I have never heard of her. Is she a member of the Senate or a Rebel spy?

Darth Vader: No, Admiral. She has written a book called Destiny of the Republic (9780385526265) 28.95. And anything that glorifies the Old Republic must be obliterated. I will eliminate this Candice Millard.

Admiral Kendel Ozzel (accesses a computer monitor): Lord Vader, this 'book' is about a President James Garfield and his assassination on a world called Earth.

(Suddenly, gasping for breath, the Admiral collapses onto the keyboard.)

Lord Vader: Admiral, I find your lack of faith . . . disturbing.

(Spike-TV's Star Wars' marathon will continue after these messages.)

Man (walking with a child): Billy, now is certainly a great time to be a dead kids author. Partners Book Distributing is currently featuring the whimsical poetry of Shel Silverstein in his latest book, Everything On It (9780061998164) 19.99. "And I don't like candy anymore." Indeed. And how about old Theodore Geisel? You may remember him as Dr. Seuss. It looks like they found another trunk in his attic and hidden inside was The Bippolo Seed & Other Lost Stories (9780375864353) 15.00. Pretty cool, Billy. And finally, there's Maurice Sendak's Bumble Ardy (9780062051981) 17.95. Those sound like blockbusters, eh?
Child: Sir, I think Maurice Sendak is still alive.
Man: Shut up, kid.

Hi, I'm legendary Heisman Trophy winner and Super Bowl MVP Desmond Howard, and if you want a piece of history, I would recommend that you purchase my new book, I Wore 21 (9780984134717) 21.00, which highlights my days with the Michigan Wolverines. (Looks into camera.) And may the Force be with you.

Odds & Sods

Somewhere between whoever is writing the Clive Cussler books and Nora Roberts, Putnam Publishing will slip in a title that I will actually enjoy. Did I say enjoy? How about a nerdgasm instead? Norman Davies' Vanished Kingdoms (9780670022731) 40.00 is one of those books. From the Byzantine Empire to the Visigothic Kingdom, I am envisioning hours of guilty pleasures. Thanks . . .

Pulitzer Prize winner Ron Suskind's Confidence Men (9780061429255) 29.99 suggests that President Obama picked the wrong men for his economic team. It's either getting 5 stars or one depending on which side of the political aisle that you lean towards. Bestseller bound . . .

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