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"And I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich and buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store . . ."
--Guns N' Roses, Civil War

B. TRAVEN JR. -- CONSPIRACY THEORIST AT LARGE


B. Traven Jr. here. Mick asked me to take a break from working on my latest manuscript, Bohemian Grove: An American Bilderberg, and write this week's Partners Page. I jumped at the chance since my old friend Shirley MacLaine has a new title, I'm Over All That (9781451607291) 22.00, coming out on April 5, and this would give me the perfect opportunity to travel through the 5th dimension and visit her. Ha, ha!

Of course, Shirley did hit the book industry mother lode. She has already taped a full hour episode with Oprah Winfrey that will air in the first week of April. You may not know this, but Shirley and I have met in several previous lives. One of the more memorable ones was when she was a Roman centurion and I was a transgender slave serving the Roman Emperor Elagabalus around 200 A.D. I can tell you that the Severian family knew how to throw a party. Ha, ha!

On Oprah, Shirley presents a video taken near her home in New Mexico where she points out the location of UFOs she has spotted on the horizon. Oprah and Shirley discuss UFOs and aliens. Oprah asks, "Have you seen an alien?" And Shirley replies, "You might be one for all I know." They laughed. And normally, I would laugh too, but I have heard that Oprah may actually be one of the last living Pleiadian aliens. The more you know . . .

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is at the center of many conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, he doesn't address any of them in his new book, Known and Unknown: A Memoir (9781595230676) 36.00. In fact, from yellowcake to tortured prisoners, Donald calls out everyone but himself and shoulders none of the responsibility for the administration's miscues. Surprise! He will be the featured trainwreck on The View tomorrow. Oh, and Donald, I'd like to thank you for aspertame, too. Ha, ha!

Also, the Larry Fine to Rumsfeld's Moe is former governor Mike Huckabee. His book is A Simple Government (9781595230737) 26.95. Simple is, as simple does. He will be plugging his book tomorrow on The Colbert Report.

Finally, the Curly Joe to Huckabee's Larry is the newly elected Senator Rand Paul, whose new title is The Tea Party Goes to Washington (9781455503117) 21.99, which is obviously a reference to the Jimmy Stewart's movie, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I'm sorry, Mr. Paul. I knew Jimmy Stewart in an earlier life, and you're no Jimmy Stewart. Mr. Paul will help you adjust your tinfoil hats on Late Night with David Letterman tomorrow. Ha, ha!

Odds & Sods

We haven't done a separated at birth in quite some time. Carol from Schulers was kind enough to submit this one. A couple of weeks ago I was raving about Rachel Simon's upcoming book The Story of Beautiful Girl (9780446574464) 24.99. Hachette is really getting behind it. Here it is:

And now here's the cover for Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre (9780307455192) 7.99:

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Peasant #1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant #2: ... A Witch!
--Monty Python & The Holy Grail

1) THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK . . . Well, if you thought the whole vampire thing had been played out, you'd be wrong. Deborah Harkness has added a new twist to the tale with her latest bestseller, Discovery of Witches (9780670022410) 28.95. Diana Bishop, the main character in Discovery of Witches has come from a long line of witches, and throughout her life she has done everything possible to avoid magic of any kind. She has lived an ordinary life filled with logic. Unfortunately, while researching in the local library, she stumbles upon a magically-protected manuscript and accidentally releases a plethora of paranormal creatures. She turns to the 1,500-year-old vampire Edward, er, Clairmont for protection from all manner of demons, witches, and vampires. Believe it or don't, we have already sold out on two shipments of this title. We are expecting more stock around this Friday. Backorder accordingly.

2) TERRORIST . . . 'Wild Bill' Donovan was a man larger than life. He earned the nickname and the Medal of Honor fighting the Germans in WWI. During WWII, even though he was a staunch Republican, FDR tapped 'Wild Bill' to head all intelligence efforts on behalf of the United States. Douglas Waller's Wild Bill Donovan (9781416567448) 30.00 may read like a John LeCarre novel, but 'Wild Bill' was the real deal. He was the commander of OSS, which performed espionage and sabotage missions against the Nazis and Japanese during the war. He is also considered the 'Father of the CIA,' which sprang from the ashes of the OSS after WWII. We're almost sold out on this one, and the author has yet to visit with Diane Rehm on NPR on February 21, so sales should remain strong. Speaking of NPR, your friendly Republican representatives are trying to cut funding for both NPR and PBS in the upcoming budget. Send your congressman an e-mail and let them know how you feel about it.

3) VILLAGES . . . As you may have surmised, I am a bit of a history buff. As George Santayana once said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Timothy Snyder has written a book called Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin (9780465002399) 29.95 that will scare the dickens out of you. The Nazi and Soviet regimes during WWII killed upwards of 14 million people in a zone between Moscow and Berlin. A lot of the numbers in the book are rough estimates, as one German commander confided to his diary, "The bandits and Jews burned in houses and bunkers were not counted." At war's end, most of this story was quietly swept behind the Iron Curtain, all but forgotten . . . until now.

Odds & Sods

With the pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, baseball is once again in the air. Richard Michelson's Lipman Pike: America's First Home Run King (9781585364657) 16.95 and Brad Herzog's I Spy with My Little Eye Baseball (9781585364961) 13.95 are a couple of cool kid's titles celebrating our national pastime. With Gerald Laird gone, I like the Detroit Tigers' chances this season . . .
And one more commemorative Green Packers Super Bowl book has been released from Rylin Media. It's called 4-Pack (9781450751742) 14.95, and it's chock full of glossy full-colour photos. Hopefully, they'll be doing one for the Detroit Lions next year . . .

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"[Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' was] so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation [as to] why they didn't do it first . . ."
--Craig Kilborn, on the Super Bowl halftime incident

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY WITH STONER BILL

So Double D invites me over to his mom's basement to watch Super Bowl MXLVIICC, I take the stairs two at a time, and at the bottom, I'm greeted by a wall of incense.

I'm like, "Dude, you still have some of that Eat Pray Love^TM incense left? I thought you were done with that crap?"

Double D says, "Well, Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed (9780143118701) 16.00 was just released in tradepaper . . ."

I jump in, "Good. Hopefully she'll be committed to a dank, dark dungeon where she'll never be able to write anything ever again."

Doctor Delay is taken aback, "Dude, that's harsh."

I change the subject, "So who's doing the play by play?"

"Captain Obvious and Jack Buck's kid."

"Ugh. I hate Troy Aikman. Hey dude, Christina Aguilera is getting ready to sing the National Anthem. Wow, she's tastefully dressed, there are flags waving in the background, and her voice sounds great. There's no way the media can criticize her this time."

Double D notes, "She just flubbed a line."

I shake my head, "Man, that chick just can't buy a break."

We watch a series of commercials, I gobble a bunch of cheese and sausage hor d'oeuvres that Double D's mom had made, and then, its finally kickoff.

I scarf some more of the cheese doodles, "Dude, I have some massive munchies. Hey, who are we supposed to be cheering for?"

Double D explains, "Sam says the Green Bay Packers. We're getting at least four different titles if they win the Super Bowl. KCI's The Pack Is Back (9780983198550) 24.95 and Return to Titletown (9781600786419) 14.95 by Triumph will be in stock within a few days of the game. Their Return to Titletown Collector's Edition (9781600786464) 24.95 will be in stock on February 17. Finally, the biography of the Pack's legendary quarterback, Aaron Rodgers (9781600786457) 22.95 will be available in March."

I say, "Wow, impressive wingspan. Then here are some old fan favourites."
Packers By The Numbers (9781879483903) 19.95
Packers Essentials (9781572437357) 19.95
100 Things Every Packers Fan Should Know (9781600783982) 14.95
Green Bay Packers 101 (9781607301110) 11.95
Go Pack Go (9781932888942) 14.95

Double D appears shocked, "Dude, you're like some kind of idiot savant."

Odds & Sods

I stole this from Shelf Awareness, but it's just too funny not to pass along: http://www.malcolmgladwell/bookgenerator.com 
Warning: The language may be too salty for some. Heh, heh . . .

I was saddened to learn that author Brian Jacques passed away. My daughter and I met Mr. Jacques several years ago at Nicola's Books on one of his author tours. He spent the first 15 minutes entertaining kids and adults alike with his stand-up routine. I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life. Finally he signed copies of his latest book and we found him to be quite gracious when we met him face to face. His last book The Rogue Crew (9780399254161) 23.99 will be on-sale on May 3.

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"In the depth of winter
I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer . . ."
--Albert Camus

THE STORY OF WONDERFUL AUTHOR

Years from now we will be reminiscencing about where we were and what we were doing during the Snowpocalypse of Naught Eleven. Or if you prefer, the Snowmageddon. Or Mike Heuer's and my personal favourite -- the Snowtorious B.I.G. They will say, "How about you, Mick, where were you?" And I will smile and say, "I was having dinner with Rhoda Wolff and her best friends . . ." Then I will pause for dramatic effect and add, "Oh, and Hachette author Rachel Simon at the Troppo." And my friends will say, "Not bestselling author Rachel Simon, who wrote the blockbuster The Story of Beautiful Girl (9780446574464) 24.99?" And I will reply, "Yup, exactly, that Rachel Simon."

Right now you're probably asking yourself, 'Who in the $%#@%& is Rachel Simon?' Well, she wrote Riding the Bus with My Sister (9780452284555) 15.00, which you may recall was made into a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Currently, Rachel resides in Delaware, but she also worked as a bookseller in Princeton and Philadelphia for many years, too. The Story of Beautiful Girl is her sixth title and it will be released in May.

Normally her book wouldn't be something I would read, but I figured I better read the first chapter so I would know the basic plot when I met her on Tuesday night. That was two days ago and now I've almost finished her book. Her easy writing style and her sympathetic characters sucked me into their world and I cannot put it down. I am convinced that this book will be her first major bestseller. Mark my words.

1) THE PETER GUNN THEME . . . Peter's brother is fashionista Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame. Okay, I made that up. However, Mr. Gunn will appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show on February 10. Jennifer Hudson will be featured on the show and Tim will make over several of Hudson's relatives who have lost some serious poundage on the Weight Watchers program. Also, Oprah will hold up a copy of Gunn's Golden Rules (9781439176566) 23.99, look directly into the camera, and then implore her legion of minions to immediately buy his book. This should spur sales on his title, fabulously . . .

Odds & Sods

Once again Kimberla Lawson Roby popped in here and signed copies of her latest book, Love, Honor, and Betray (9780446572453) 24.99. They will be sold on a first come, first served basis . . .
We have been selling Daniel Goldie and Gordon Murrays' The Investment Answer (9781455503308) 18.00 extremely well. This is the investment book that was written for the Average Joe -- not the Wall Street fat cats . . .

Ruth Strother's B is for Blue Planet: An Earth Science Alphabet (9781585364541) 16.95 is the latest alphabet book from Sleeping Bear Press. I'm not sure who Bob Marshall is, but his illustrations are really cool . . .